


Brink of Self Destruction

by nyanbacon



Series: Myriad [6]
Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: College Life, Leo overworks himself, Stress, human TMNT au, multiple jobs, supporting a family, tw: panic attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-20
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-13 10:14:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15362271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nyanbacon/pseuds/nyanbacon
Summary: Leo wasn’t stupid. He knew when he pushed himself over the threshold of what he could handle by working himself too  much, and when he needed to take a few steps back to recollect himself. There was always some urge telling him to take a few days off, spend some time with his brothers. Some force was always there to tell him to stop.He was just very very good at ignoring it.





	1. Tuesday Morning

Leo wasn’t stupid. He knew when he pushed himself over the threshold of what he could handle by working himself too  much, and when he needed to take a few steps back to recollect himself. There was always some urge telling him to take a few days off, spend some time with his brothers. Some force was always there to tell him to stop.

He was just very very good at ignoring it.

He pushed this thought to the back of his mind as he rolled out of bed when his alarm went off at five on a Tuesday morning. Only Monday had passed, but he was already beyond tired, and in need of a break. Maybe he  _ had _ been overworking himself lately…

He took a quick shower and changed into a fresh set of clothes (all without waking Donnie up, miraculously) before snatching his keys off the counter and driving to his morning job. He hadn’t had two jobs until recently, but it brought in more income, and introduced him to a wider variety of people, so he liked it. Plus, working constantly distracted him from other worries, so it was hard for him to see it as a bad thing

Rubbing the last bit of sleep from his eyes as he parked, he unlocked the door to the Starbucks he worked at and pushed it open. 

Takeshi- also called Tigerclaw by his coworkers when he wasn’t around- was already behind the counter, warming up the machines. Leo bit back a sigh (he hated working morning shifts with Takeshi, but he didn’t have much of a choice) and walked over to the counter.

“Good morning, Hamato,” the taller man greeted, glancing at him. “I hope you’re in working condition today.”

“I won’t fall asleep on the job again,” Leo assured. “I can promise you that.”

“Hm. We’ll see.” And that was that. 

The morning was as busy as it usually was, full of regulars and newcomers alike. The establishment was close to the college, so it was nearly constantly full of sleep deprived college kids looking for their morning caffeine hookup before some big test they’d spent the night cramming for (or ignoring by partying instead). 

Takeshi was busy working the drive through with a couple other of their coworkers who had showed up, leaving Leo to work the register and fill orders in the front. He was working on putting together a drink when someone strode up to the register and stated, “the usual.”

“Sorry, we don’t keep track of-” He looked up to tell the customer they didn’t keep track of ‘usuals’, but froze, nearly dropping the drink he was holding. Karai leaned against the counter with a smirk, eyeing him almost hungrily.

He swallowed and looked down at the drink he was still preparing, mind having gone blank on where he was in the steps. “Right,” he murmured. “I’ll have that out for you…”

“I can wait, pretty boy.” She was quick to step away from the register, leaving Leo with his heart thudding in his chest. He quickly wrapped up the drink he was working on and set about making Karai’s (was it creepy he had her order memorized even though they weren’t dating? He hoped not…)

Her hand wrapped around the drink before he could set it down, and her fingers laced with his. He looked up at her, clenching his jaw nervously. She smirked as she slipped the drink out from between his fingers. “See you tonight, Hamato,” she purred before turning and leaving the establishment. Leo was left feeling hot and stunned.

“I hope you charged her for that drink,” Takeshi breathed against his neck, causing Leo to yelp.

“I- ah…” He rubbed the back of his neck, wiping the nervous sweat from it and wiping it on his apron.

He looked disappointed and Leo glanced away. “Better not happen again, Hamato.”

Leo watched Takeshi go with a slight scowl. “Roger that,  _ Tigerclaw _ ,” he breathed before quickly stepping back over to the register to deal with the line that had built up. 

 

His shift ended at nine that morning, giving him a half an hour before his first class of the day on the campus across the street. He sat in his car for a few minutes, gripping the steering wheel and staring out the window. Exhaustion was starting to settle into his nerves and it made him hard to focus on any thought too long, leaving his mind blank as he stared off into space. It took a text from Raph to jerk him out of his daze. He glanced down at his phone as he picked it up.

 

_ FeistyBoi: Are you picking up stuff for dinner _

_ FeistyBoi: Or are we just gonna order pizza _

 

Leo let out a heavy sigh. He’d forgotten they were out of groceries.

 

_ MotherHen: I can pick some stuff up _

_ MotherHen: Do any of the others have a preference on what I should get _

_ FeistyBoi: Doubt it _

_ FeistyBoi: You know Mikey will make and eat whatever _

_ MotherHen: Yeah _

_ MotherHen: Hey shouldn’t you be in class right now _

_ FeistyBoi: … _

 

Leo got no other response and he threw his phone into the passenger seat of his car with an eye roll before putting the key into the ignition and pulling out of the parking lot, heading off towards the college campus. He hoped the parking lot in front of the building wasn’t too full. He hadn’t realized how much time he’d spent sitting in his car and was worried he couldn’t walk from the next nearest lot to the room and be on time.

  
  



	2. Tuesday Afternoon

As per usual, Leo’s classes passed without much of a hitch. He was majoring in pediatrics- a career choice fueled by his need to protect his younger brothers- so the classes weren’t necessarily easy (far from it, actually), but with his constant need to have everything be organized, getting papers and projects turned in on time was not a difficult task. 

It was 3:30 by the time he’d gotten back to his car. He pulled out a spiral bound schedule book out of his bag and rested it against the steering wheel as he scribbled in due dates and crossed out ones that had already passed. His eyes drooped closed halfway through and he slumped forward slightly, but his forehead activated the horn before he could fall all the way asleep and he jerked back up into a sitting position, sucking in an alarmed breath through his teeth. He glanced down at his sloppy handwriting before sighing and tucking the pen and journal away.

He glanced at his watch. 3:42. He still had two hours before he had to head to his second job, and that would take him late into the night. He should get the grocery shopping done before then.

He pulled out of the parking lot and headed down a couple blocks to the store. He estimated he had about an hour to figure out what they’d be having for dinner and get the stuff before he had to head home. He’d purposely applied at jobs outside of the family’s usual search parameters, so they wouldn’t catch onto the fact he’d applied for a second job. No one had yet to question why he was out so late, but if they did, he’d claim he was at a study session at the library. They didn’t know about his social life, so it was a good enough ruse to hold them off for a while. 

Parking the car, he pulled his phone out to see if his brothers had changed their minds on whether they wanted anything specific for dinner. 

 

_ MotherHen: I’m at the store. Do you want anything in particular for dinner? _

_ WalkingFirstAid: I don’t care  _

_ WalkingFirstAid: But could you please make sure it actually includes a vegetable or something _

_ OrangeJuice: DONNIE NO _

_ OrangeJuice: HOW COULD YOU BETRAY ME LIKE THIS _

_ FeistyBoi: Your misery amuses me _

_ OrangeJuice: D: _

_ OrangeJuice: Why can’t we just have pizza _

_ MotherHen: We’ve had pizza three times in the last week _

_ MotherHen: Anymore and you’re going to turn into one _

_ OrangeJuice: Then I could eat myself _

_ FeistyBoi: That was not an image I needed in my head _

_ MotherHen: If you can’t decide I’m getting stuff for tacos _

_ WalkingFirstAid: What about spaghetti _

_ WalkingFirstAid: It’s easy to put salad with that _

_ OrangeJuice: Only if we get garlic bread _

_ MotherHen: Fine _

_ OrangeJuice: y e e t. This makes up for us not having pizza tonight _

_ WalkingFirstAid: I will shove salad down your throat before you even think of touching the garlic bread _

_ FeistyBoi: Yet another image I did not need in my head.  _

_ FeistyBoi: I’m putting my phone on do not disturb so I can get this stupid project done _

_ MotherHen: If I need you I’ll call the landline _

_ WalkingFirstAid: You won’t get a response _

_ FeistyBoi: Dammit Donnie _

 

Leo tucked his phone away and headed off to pick the stuff up for spaghetti. And probably some more coffee grounds. There was never enough of those in the house.

 

The trip was quick and easy to make. Spaghetti was an easy dinner to shop for and make, and subconsciously, Leo wondered if Donnie knew more than he’d been letting on when he suggested that meal. Regardless, the trip took barely fifteen minutes, and he was home with the groceries well before he had to leave for his job. 

He set the grocery bags on the table as Mikey stomped down the stairs to inspect what Leo had brought.

The first thing he picked up was the coffee grounds. “You do realize we have, like, three bags of these in the freezer, right?”

Leo shrugged halfheartedly. He hadn’t been remembering. “It’s good to have it around.”

Mikey huffed and added the new bag to the collection. “You weren’t even here this morning to have coffee.”

Leo pulled out the rest of the groceries from the bags. “I had to go to work.”

“Have you eaten at all today?”

The question made Leo pause, and Mikey turned to look at him with a frown. Leo shrugged it off. “I’ve had some food.”

“You’re sitting down and eating dinner with us, then.”

“Can’t.”

“And why the heck not?”

“Study group at five,” he said, voice uncaring. Mikey sighed heavily and set about making dinner.

Leo glanced at the clock on the oven. 4:25. He should be heading out now. 

“Make sure you eat that salad,” he called as he picked up his keys again.

Donnie came up from the basement just as Leo was leaving. “Where’s he going?” He asked Mikey, who refused to look at Leo as he left.

“Study group, or something,” he murmured, and the front door shut, leaving Leo in the dark as to where the conversation went. 

  
  



	3. Tuesday Evening

Trying to forget the dejected look Mikey had given him when he said he wasn’t going to be joining them for dinner was harder than Leo had anticipated. To be honest, sitting down to a meal with his family sounded like the best thing ever right now. With how much he’d been working, he felt like he deserved the thirty minutes it took them to eat. 

He found himself blinking back tears as he pulled into a parking spot. He took a shaky breath, wiping them from his eyes. Three more hours, he told himself. Three more hours and he could lose it.

Grabbing his uniform from the back seat, he trekked up into the establishment and disappeared into the bathroom to change. He opened the door and froze when he saw Karai standing there, arms folded.

“What’re you doing changing in the bathroom, Hamato?” She challenged, and suddenly the lightheaded feeling he got whenever he was close to her disappeared and he scowled.

“That’s not any of your business. Shouldn’t you be working?”

“You’re not my boss,” she retorted. 

Leo sighed, clutching his clothes to his chest. “I’m gonna go put these back in my car.”

He missed the look of concerned confusion Karai shot him as he left, jogging back out out to his car to drop his clothes off. 

Karai had taken over sitting guests down at tables, and they made eye contact as Leo came back into the restaurant. He ducked his head and quickly veered off towards the tables to start taking orders. 

 

Near the end of his shift, as the amount of customers was tapering off, Karai confronted him again, this time near the kitchen.

He turned to take the last of the plates to the table, but stopped when he saw her standing near the door, arms folded and leaning against the wall.

He let out a sigh. “What do you want.”

“What’s going on with you?”

“Huh?”

She walked forward, seeming to challenge him as she stopped in front of him. “You get another job, with the same shift as me, but when we actually start seeing each other, you’re too distant to even look at me?”

What was she saying? “Karai, I come here to work. Not to flirt. I’m sorry if you got the wrong idea.” He turned to push past her, but she grabbed his free arm. 

She hesitated slightly, tightening her grip on his wrist, Clearly she hadn’t meant to grab him, but now she had, and she couldn’t get out of this. “Leo, what the hell is going on.”

“It’s nothing, Karai.” He jerked his arm out of her grasp, stumbling slightly but managing to keep the plate in his hand steady. “We can talk about this after work.”

She glanced up at the clock before sighing and taking a step back. “Fine.”

He glanced at her before turning and disappearing among the tables. 

 

Leo sat in his car, staring out the front window. He jumped when he heard someone knock on his window and glanced up to see Karai standing there, arms folded. He sighed and rolled the window down.

“You said we’d get a chance to talk.”

“I have to get home.”

“I assumed as much, considering you’re speeding off out of the parking lot,” she argued sarcastically.

He clenched his fists around the wheel, steeling himself. “I have a lot on my plate right now, Karai. And I don’t need you antagonizing me on top of it all.”

She hesitated. 

“It never occured to you there’s a reason I work two jobs? I have a family to take care of, and my own things to do with my time.”

“That doesn’t excuse you from avoiding people.”

“I’m not avoiding people.”

“Really? When was the last time you actually sat down and talked to your family?”

He was silent.

“You can’t say you’re taking care of them when you won’t even give them a second glance when you get the opportunity.” She glanced to the side. “I’m not sure you understand what it feels like to them when you do that.”

His throat got tight and he squeezed the wheel tighter in his hands. 

“You hadn’t thought of that, had you.” He didn’t answer, and she sighed heavily. “Just go.”

“Wait-”

“Go. You have to get back to them, right?” She said venomously, and he winced, before rolling the window back up. He pulled out of the parking lot and steered his way into the late traffic.

He watched as the stop light in front of him grew blurry and he sniffed, rubbing his eyes with a shaking hand. He wondered idly if what he was doing was really for the best, or if he was just beating himself up for no good reason.

Driving home was an automatic action for him, and he almost didn’t realize he was back in the driveway. He stared at the house for a long moment before killing the engine and climbing out. 

He opened the door quietly to see Raph lounging on the couch, watching TV, and Donnie sitting at the table with the set of landline phones. Leo shut the door behind him carefully and dropped his keys on the counter, heading towards the stairs. He glanced at the clock on the oven. 8:57.

“The least you could give us is a goddamn hello,” Raph growled, pausing his show.

Leo stiffened, gripping the rail. “Sorry,” he murmured, and this didn’t seem to make Raph any happier. 

“Where’ve you been?” Donnie asked before Raph could get too mad, and the redhead slouched back down on the couch, glaring at nothing. 

“Like I said. Study session.”

Donnie seemed skeptical, but Leo quickly turned away from the look and headed up the stairs, shutting himself in their room. 

He set his bag down next to his desk and sat down in the chair, pulling out his schedule and a textbook. He knew he had a paper due in a couple days, but if he could knock it out tonight and tomorrow, then it would make juggling his other classes considerably easier. 

 

He was halfway done with the first draft when he heard Donnie’s light footsteps coming up the stairs. He frowned at the clock, which read 11:13. Donnie never came to bed this early. 

The door opened and Leo could feel Donnie’s gaze on the back of his neck. He adjusted his grip on his pencil but found it hard to continue writing with how his younger brother was looking at him.

“Couldn’t you have finished that at the study session?” He asked, and Leo’s stomach dropped.

He hadn’t thought about that. He hadn’t considered the fact that the homework he was stringing himself out over could’ve been done at the study session he hadn’t gone to. He was just so accustomed to the others blowing him off when he was home, he hadn’t expected it to become a problem that he wasn’t home.

He hadn’t realized his breath had caught in his throat until his lungs were burning, and he dropped his pencil to clench his hands into fists. 

He’d managed to go so long without breaking down. Why’d it have to happen now?   
  



	4. Tuesday Night

The moment Leo found it difficult to take in a breath, Donnie had a chair pulled over to the desk and sat down next to him. He pulled away from his work, clenching his hands in his laps and taking short, quick breaths.

“Leo,” Donnie murmured, reaching out to rest his hand over one of Leo’s. “Leo, listen to me, you need to try and breath.”

“I-” Leo croaked, before falling into half sobs, cut off only by the need to get in air but being unable to. He clutched at his shirt, squeezing his eyes shut. Donnie rubbed his thumb slowly over Leo’s wrist and he sucked in a breath, shaking.

“Do you want me to count?” Donnie asked softly, which elicited a quick shake of the head from Leo. This was already embarrassing enough. He didn’t want to make it any worse than it was.

Donnie slowly moved his hand from Leo’s wrist towards his hand. Leo loosened his fist slightly so Donnie could lace his fingers between Leo’s and rub the back of his hand with his thumb lightly. Leo hiccuped and pressed his free arm against his eyes, unable to hide the tears already rolling down his cheeks. 

“M’sorry for missing dinner,” he murmured shakily.

Donnie squeezed his hand. “That should be the least of your worries right now.”

“I know.” He sniffed. “I just feel bad.”

The younger sighed softly, glancing at the paper Leo was working on. “You’re gonna feel bad about everything right now.”

“Is there something wrong with that?” Leo rubbed his face on his forearm.

“No, not necessarily, I suppose.” He reached over and rearranged the papers in a way that seemed a bit more organized. Leo watched, still holding onto Donnie’s other hand. “It’s just a sign that you need some rest.”

Leo shook his head. “I have to get this paper done.”

“By tomorrow?”

He didn’t answer.

“I’ll look over what you have so far and edit it before i go to bed. Will that make you rest easier?”

“A bit.”

“Okay. I’ll do that for you then.” He patted Leo’s hand. “But you need to sleep.”

Leo’s shoulders sagged slightly and he nodded, upset he was being deterred from working, but knowing Donnie was right. Sleep sounded like a pretty good idea right now anyway.

He picked himself up out of the chair and wormed his hand out of Donnie’s grip before shuffling over to his bed and climbing onto it, still in his clothes (Donnie wasn’t one to judge).

Donnie picked up the papers and turned towards the door, stopping when he saw Raph in the doorway. Leo listened as he slid under the blanket and pulled it up almost over his head.

“How is he.”

“Could be better.”

“Panic attack?”

“Small one, yeah.”

“Dammit…”

Leo shifted when he felt their gazes on his back.

“I’m gonna edit this paper for him before I go to bed.”

“Alright,” Raph agreed, stepping aside to let Donnie out. “Just make sure you’re in bed before one.”

“Yeah, sure.” Donnie waved him off and made his way down the stairs quietly.

There was a pause before Raph stepped into the room and walked over to the bed, picking up Leo’s phone off of the corner of the desk. “I’m telling your boss you’re missing work tomorrow.”

Leo stiffened and quickly rolled onto his back but Raph was turned away from the bed so Leo couldn’t grab at the phone without sitting up. “Raph-”

“Sleep in.” He looked at him seriously, and his green eyes almost glowed in the dim light. “And we’ll leave some leftovers from breakfast for you.”

Leo felt a pang in his chest at the thought that they were putting in so much effort to take care of him, but he just curled up under the blanket, whispering a soft, “okay,” in response to Raph’s orders.

There was a long pause as Raph turned off Leo’s alarm in the morning, before he reached over and carded his fingers gently through Leo’s hair. “Get some sleep, idiot.”

Leo let out a short breath through his nose and Raph turned, closing the door behind him as he left.

Leo lay awake for a while, staring at the door. Without doing his schoolwork himself, and knowing his alarm was turned off, it felt like he’d forgotten something he wasn’t thinking of, and the anxiety was keeping him awake.

It didn’t take too long for his muscles to relax, and it was well before midnight before he had finally fallen asleep. 


End file.
